January 25th, 2019
Today was fun. I got to go to Rio Secreto. The business is located just
off the highway with markers indicating that Rio Secreto is coming up in 500 m,
250 m, and then a big sign indicating that this was indeed the Secret River. I
chuckled to myself at the oxymoron.
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| Shhhhhh. It's a secret. |
Once I paid my $65 American dollars, I sat with other
English-speaking tourists and exchanged niceties. We watched a little
introductory video that told us that only a few people get to see this hidden
location. There were eight of us watching the video. Not an oxymoron this time,
just bad math.
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| Can't argue with the rules. |
We assembled together into a comfy van and went for a 15
minute ride along an unpaved road to our destination. Even this close to the
highway and civilization just outside of Playa, we were in the thick of the
jungle. Signs warned of snakes and panthers and our guide told us about massive
tarantulas that occasionally crossed over the road. We didn’t see any such
wildlife I suppose I’m grateful, although I wouldn’t mind seeing a panther. I
wouldn’t have been the slowest in the group so it would’ve been alright.
We arrived at the Rio Secreto hub and were introduced to our
guide, a skinny dude named Driss who hailed from Spain. He spoke five languages
and had five times the charisma of a normal person to go with it. He was a lot
of fun and turned what was going to be a cool day into an unforgettable one.
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| Driss is a super cool Spaniard and the best tour guide I've ever met. |
We were given keys and locks to put our belongings away and
then handed water shoes, a wetsuit, life jacket, helmet and walking stick. Each
of these items was needed in equal measure. We were also assigned a
photographer for our group. Having already read online that photographs cost
$25 American bucks a pop at the end of the tour, I paid little attention to
what the photographer was doing. The scenery I saw in Rio Secreto was going to
be etched into my brain and translated to the page or forgotten. Or, I suppose,
you could Google it to get a bit of an idea of what to expect. But pictures
don’t quite do Rio Secreto justice.
We descended down a trail into an open chasm where the lush
jungle stayed up and we went down into an alien-like abyss. Greyish-tan rock
formations stemmed out from the ceilings and ground with thousands of
stalagmites and stalagmites. As Driss explained, their formations are very
romantic. Over the course of thousands of years, these limestone stalagmites
reach down to kiss the stalagmites, which in turn push up to kiss the
stalagmites in a touching union that forms powerful pillars underground.
Besides the stones, there are also roots. I thought they were vines at first,
but Driss told us how the trees’ roots reach way down into the earth to find the
water reservoirs that lay buried underneath all the dirt and stone. As for
animals, Driss dipped one of his flashlights into the water and sought out the
tiniest—and I mean uber super tiny—shrimp I’ve ever seen. There aren’t many of
them in there either. I did see a small black fish and the only other things in
there were bats and white fish, but we didn’t see any of them.
As we made our way further into the labyrinth, Driss got us
to turn off our headlamps to show how dark it was. It was blacker than Eddie
Murphy with his eyes and mouth closed. Driss’ flashlight had a low orange
setting that he activated to mimic a torche’s output of light to show us what
it would have been like for the Mayans when they first explored the caves. It
was tough to see much of anything. Then, as Driss explained, one wrong step and
poof! The torch is in the water and
the Mayans are all dead. Good luck getting out of there alive. There was also a
point in the tour that Driss waved his flashlight around like a madman in
crazed excitement just to get a reaction out of us. Then he did the same thing
again in French for the French Canadians in the group. It might have been even
funnier the second time. The guy was a riot.
One of the coolest parts of the tour was seeing all the various
forms and shapes that the rocks convert themselves into. Driss pointed to some
little nugget-lookin’ dealies on the ceiling and called them popcorn. Sure
enough, they looked just like popcorn. He told us another formation coming out
of the ground was a palm tree. As soon as he said it, I was like, “Oh yeah!”
and then couldn’t see anything but a palm tree. There were also flags, bacon,
shark teeth, pumpkins and—in my mind at least—some penisy shaped rocks. I kept
that to myself though. Except for right now. Now you know too.
The only downer to the experience was my inability to get
warm. Once again, I was the only one in the group who was visibly shivering
despite the wetsuit. I’m beginning to think this whole cold thing might just be
my terrible circulation and not the rest of the world withholding their
opinions on the temperature.
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| I ate a big buffet lunch in this building in the jungle. |
When we finished the tour, we had a big buffet lunch of
various chicken tacos with salad and papaya water. It was friggin good. Seeings
as how I only eat one meal a day these days, I ate til I was super stuffed and
was the last to leave the table in the dining hall. I had a good chat
throughout the day meeting members of the group from Calgary, Brampton and Detroit.
It was a bit tough to socialize with the French Canadians with the language
barrier. Driss made it like a family experience and called himself the grandpa
of the group even though he was probably around my age. He was such a
fun-spirited guy and it was obvious he loved his job. I heard some of the other
guide’s explanations underground and—no offense to them—they were about as
compelling as sitting through church (another Simpsons reference for ya) when
compared to Driss, who was a masterful entertainer. Did I mention he spoke five
languages? Hell of a guy. If you go to Rio Secreto, ask for him.
Tomorrow I'm going to Cancun to see
lucha libre! I’m stoked. It should be a lot of fun. Byeeeeee!
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